As we set about to start building a community to help empower young girls and women, one of the first places we believe girls are underserved is building confidence. Girls and young women are constantly bombarded with mixed messages that can seriously undermine their self confidence, often with effects that last long beyond the initial message. These messages come from a variety of sources including social media, school, peers, family and begin early in life. Even in our 40’s and beyond, the messages are still there.
Appearance vs Substance
One such message is the message between Appearance vs Substance. Impossible beauty standards flood television, movies, magazines and social media; young girls absorb the messages that their worth is tied to how they look. I remember reading Sweet Valley High and reading the line about Elizabeth and Jessica being “a perfect size 6.” It was in every single book and clearly made an impression as decades later, I still recall it. At the same time, they were popular and well liked – subconsciously that tied back to their looks.
But we then try to tell girls that it’s really their substance that matters: are they intelligent? Are they kind? Are they trustworthy? Internal qualities are highlighted as what matters when it comes to being a “good” girl. Women and girls wind up conflicted. Do they work on their personal development or do they focus on their outward appearance? What really matters when it comes to how women are viewed in this world? If they aren’t even sure themselves, how can they be confident in their choices?
Assertive or Nice
Possibly one of the biggest conflicts is the conflict between being assertive and being nice. And I’m not talking about being kind. Kindness is a quality everyone should strive for. But the idea of being “nice” in that a girl should always be polite. She shouldn’t stick up for herself or she should always accept the space she is given. We call assertiveness “bossy” or “aggressive” when demonstrated by a girl or woman; even by other girls and women. It’s seen as borderline offensive if a girl or woman is assertive but praised when a boy or man does it.
There is so much powerful confidence in saying your truth and sticking up for what you believe in. By denying girls and women the space to assert themselves, we send the message that girls and women shouldn’t be confident in who they are.
How do we change this narrative and finally stop putting out the mixed messages that start tearing apart our girls’ confidence just as they are discovering themselves?